Site updates coming! More to learn, see and do

Like many, I’ve spent the last several months working from home in an industry not used to be remote. I’m a fabric engineer for Target and though I can’t talk too much about what I work on day-today I CAN share some knowledge about how things are made, why fabrics look or feel the way they do. So it got me thinking about this site and how I’ve used it. it’s time for a change!

So keep your eyes peeled, new things coming to this space, soon.

Whole industries make their livelihood along the pathway to making that tee or your favorite jeans. Wanna learn more? Stay tuned! Specific questions, ask anytime.

Mask-a-palooza, fabric mask pattern roundup and review

I’ve been awfully resistant to wanting to make masks. In the beginning of SAH orders all the creative wind went out of my sails. There was a lot of doing nothing. I hated using sewing, this thing that brings my joy and balance and pleasure, to make something that so heavily reinforced the reality of the pandemic. I resented the calls to home-sewers to make masks for medical professionals, at-risk individuals and everyone else.

5 months down the road, though there is no clear end in sight. Minnesota, the state I live in, now has a state-wide masking requirement. I needed to find a way to enjoy creating these things that will be part of our lives for a good, long while. So today I bring you… MASK-A-PALOOZA!!!

Links to Free Mask Patterns

Ally Mask pattern

Anna Vet Mask, from Fabric Ninja

Create to Donate mask without pleats

Dhurata Davies mask with nose and chin darts

Sewing Mellow mask pattern

Japanese Sewing Books mask pattern

also, Made By Barb iron-in nose-wire tutorial

More than telling you which were my favorite, I wanted to gather a range of styles where you can see the pattern, the finished mask and the mask-on-body. I made no adjustments to published sizes and used quilting cotton or poplin for all samples shown. I hope to share what I’ve learned and help you on your own mask-making journey!

The Protohaven Ally Face Mask looked pretty… odd. But that was part of the point of rounding masks up. I was looking for patterns beyond the basic, pleated style and the clean-fit 2-pc masks I saw everywhere when folks started cranking masks out.

The Ally boasts of its simple construction that any beginning sewer can conquer. No curves, no complex construction. Seeing it on the site I doubted it would be comfortable or all that functional for me. But I was heckin’ wrong. This one’s my favorite!

Construction is easy and quick. It can work with ear loops, continuous ties or elastic. I find it provides a good, sealed fit even without a nose wire. It folds completely flat and is easy to thread ties or elastic through (which will make washing less complicated). I had my dude try one on and he liked it, too but was too short for him. I made 2 rounds of size mods and we now have one that he likes, too. It was super easy to adjust. I can get at least 2 full masks (outer and lining) from a fat quarter. I can accordion fold for cutting but can squeeze more out if I

Dhurata Davies mask is the absolute darling of the sewing world right now and I was super excited to try this one. It comes in a range of sizes and features nose and chin darts to give a clean and tidy fit. I made the size large with my husband in mind, actually. It’s an OK fit for him and I think I will give it another try for myself.

I didn’t love sewing this one. You need to sew, trim and press out the darts for each layer before assembling and then need to clip curves and trim corners to turn it out. The more mask styles I have tried the more I have gravitated toward easy-sew/assembly. It folds flat neatly and would be easy to wash and care for without a nose wire.

Anna’s Vet Mask from Fabric Ninja!

My friends at Knit and Bolt turned me onto this pattern. Similar to the Dhurata Davies pattern it has a shaped nose and straight front from nose to chin. I love the story of how this one was made with input from the creators colleagues in the field of veterinary practices.

The construction is included in simplified steps right on the .pdf, which is pretty great. It was easy to assemble and I tested the fit with ear loops. The size is a little big for me but should be easy to adjust. It folds flat neatly and would be easy to wash and care for without a nose wire.

The Create to Donate mask without pleats tutorial is a super simple pattern and I was excited to try it. I like the idea of a gathered edge (vs. pleats) and the shaped nose bridge excited me, too. As I gathered patterns I was the MOST excited for this one, it felt like the most promising combination of features I was looking for.

The assembly is very easy and clear, the tutorial is really well done (so many are, people have given so much of their time making these available to the public!) My husband tested it out for a day and for him I would make two small changes: add a wire in the bridge and add an inch in length (his head is larger than mine. If you are average-to-petite the original size should work just fine. This mask might be the easiest to adjust for size in this roundup.

My favorite bits about this one are the gathered sides and simple shape which will make it very easy to wash and maintain. A solid pattern and my second favorite in this roundup.

This pattern from Sewing Mellow is one of the first “complex” masks that I tried. I’ve had it saved in my pins for a few months; it looked so clean and precise, which I really dug. It fold flat and compact, also highly appealing. The pattern comes from Sewing Mellow and has a wonderfully clear tutorial. Despite how clear the tutorial is I found the mask fussy to make. The tutorial has you cut the pattern apart to use as a guide while you sew. I did not love that. And ultimately, when I finished the mask, it is too small for my comfort.

Some of the folks on my Instagram talked with great love about this Japanese Sewing Books pattern. Similar to the Sewing Mellow pattern I loved the idea of the finished shape with it’s clean and tidy flat panel across the front. It folds neatly and compactly. You can make it work with ear loops, continuous elastic or ties. The bridge of the nose is gently shaped and helps keep fabric away from the bottom eyelid. AND, it comes in multiple sizes, big win.

The construction is more straightforward than the Sewing Mellow mask in that the pattern informs the steps a bit more and doesn’t require that you cut it down as you go. In order to make this pattern work with continuous ties or elastic I would recommend adding maybe an additional 1/4” to the sides so the channel at the end is easier to thread. Again, the finished size isn’t a great fit for me. Given that it does cover a lot of my face already I think the trouble is the depth.

Wrapping up I want to say I have learned a lot by making each of these patterns. I struggled early on to find any joy in making something that so clearly screamed “There is a PANDEMIC upon us!!!”. Several months in I can start to see my own personal light again. It’s not the same as the light at the end of the tunnel but there are things I can do to take care of myself, my family and that I can inject some tiny amount of fun into.

I’m glad I kept trying new patterns. When popular patterns didn’t work they way I expected or spark any joy in making it was important to have other ideas to try. ALL of these patterns could work for me with some tweaking. They are beautifully drafted, documented and shown in tutorials. I’m grateful to have multiple options and styles that work for me and for my family. I love seeing what everyone’s made. Let me know if you have any questions about the styles I covered!

4 months into working from home

The world might be effed. Check any news site, any social media app and you’ll see (probably) what I see; the world in distress and her people in chaotic disagreement, to put it mildly. Here are some of the things that have been on my mind.

Do you feel alone? We live in bubbles. I have heard people talk about their quarantine bubbles; those folks they allow contact with while trying to reduce vectors of infection. But I also see bubbles in geography and matters of opinion. Here’s an example:

My family went camping a few hours from our city. Once we went north, beyond the last “big city”, it was like a switch had flipped. Coronavirus wasn’t real, folks didn’t wear masks, or socially distance. Gift shops and ice cream stands were open. Shop workers wore no PPE. These are small towns where everyone knows the local radio DJ and you can tell there’s an out-of-towner coming through your supermarket. It was weird. Dully shocking.

It made me realize that outside the city the pandemic doesn’t look or feel real. There are lots of folks who do not “believe” in it. Folks who don’t interact with others outside their towns, who don’t travel or have colleagues scattered across the globe. They live in a bubble, too. And in between we do not meet. Except, apparently, at the ice cream shop.

Don’t cut people out. I see it every day on social media, hear it from colleagues: people are burning out. Burning out on the pandemic, burning out on the work it takes to overcome racial injustice, burning out on being an ally and changing how we show up for each other.

That burnout is coming out as people shutting down, withdrawing and turning on each other. Blocking friends, muting feeds… there’s a slim line between self-preservation and perpetuating the isolating bubbles that have contributed to us getting here. We curate our lives to be filled with only that which we like, agree with or makes us feel good. Simultaneously, out in the world, people are moving further apart and reacting with hatred and fear when we encounter conflict. When we cut out opinions that do not align with our own we lose a vital piece of connection, cripple our opportunity to understand what else is out there. Seeing things that upset us in our carefully cultivated feeds is evidence of some diversity, which we need in order to get more connected, reduce fear and anger and conflict. Don’t cut people out.

The precinct near our house and where I took my daughter to talk about what’s going on in our city. How to cautiously interact with law enforcement. This statue framed in razor wire feels like more of a statement than anything.

What is self care? So if we live in bubbles and shouldn’t cut others out and everyone’s on the verge of burnout… What do we do? I’ve been taking social media in bites. I read articles and books in moderation. I sleep and feed myself and mostly shower regularly (like I should have this morning…) But my energy has tanked, my emotional bank is running on dregs. I am less active and know that being active will make me feel better but how can I get motivated to not just work and family and do the dishes and fold the laundry and toss and turn as I fall asleep at night? More and more, self care is getting my family to do things. Watch a movie together, sure. But have conversations. Have my kid reach out to her friends for a socially distant friend date. Urge my husband to keep going on his walks (he’s big on Pokemon Go). I draw and paint and sew. And when we have each had something for ourselves, we are better for each other. Self-care is a positive loop that helps me care for my family and loved ones. Even when I don’t want to.

Art supplies I tote around the house like a security blanket. Watercolor pieces I started as I try to process the revolution in progress.

This impossibility. I don’t want to be white anymore. I have had this thought on and off throughout my life. I don’t want to be part of the oppressive majority. I don’t want be part of the appropriating culture. I can’t change the color of my skin and sitting in that absurd thought means I’m not using my privilege to make things better. Don’t want to be embarrassed by your legacy? Put in the work. Don’t like the feeling of guilt over what you have and did not work for? Put in the work to help lift others up. It’s part of getting comfortable with being uncomfortable, and knowing that everything feels like a lot of work, until it becomes practice. I wasn’t born knowing how to walk or feed myself and these days I take those skills for granted. They were hard things to learn. But once I did, I could run. So I’m learning to be part of making the world better with the hope that one day it will come as easily.

Things I am talking about with friends and co-workers

Talking about the move to online teaching and the absolute train wreck of my first lecture.

Just a small sample of the new realities. Talking about what happens if… what happens if people get desperate and start looting (one friend is starting to feel like their family needs a gun), what if people need to go back to work and kids are still doing schooling at home (who do they think is gonna take care of all these kids?), what about, what about, what about.

My job is also pretty tactile and trying to get buy-in from so many parties when I am limited in how I can show samples, do analysis or evaluate textiles via Zoom or Skype. I haven’t figured out if shipping things FROM my home is helpful or if I am just going to amass samples as they come in from my partners overseas.

And and and.

There is a lot of hamster on a wheel in my brain. I know there is for us all. It may not feel like your normal instinct to share all those throughts, to put words to the rush in your head, but please do. We can work to build better bridges when we know where they need to go.

Sending love from here.

I’ve been making healthy changes. Pt. 2, Noom and what I’m learning now.

I downloaded Noom with great reluctance. Something I have been working on in therapy is my very black and white thinking; something is either good or bad, I have made progress or failed, no middle. Another thing is my need for rules (these are closely tied together); do this, not that, eat this list of foods, do all the exercise, shame yourself whenever you fail to meet a single expectation.

The Noom ads all felt so… culty. Very one-of-us, one-of-us… but the ads also insisted that this wasn’t a diet. It was about behavior change. Something that I have picked up and dropped, so many times since starting food therapy, is food logging or keeping a food diary. Just writing down what I ate (or thought I ate) wasn’t very meaningful to me. But I needed to start getting a better understanding of what I was actually consuming. In total. I tend to think of my day as very compartmentalized, “Oh, I was ‘bad’ at lunch, whatever, it’s just a day, I’ll try again tomorrow, might as well eat this cake, too.” I also needed a push to get more active. Note, I did NOT say exercise. Exercising because I should or it's the right thing to do makes me not want to do it. That’s great, right?

So Noom. Right off the bat I told myself not to change anything about how I was eating for the first week. I wanted to know, to see, what I was really eating. How much, how often, what was I eating and then basically pretending I hadn’t eaten (that mini candy bar on the team table? That Starbucks run? Those aren’t meals, they don’t really make a big difference, right?) So I catalogued it all.

Noom breaks foods down into Green, Yellow and Red groups. Green are least calorie dense, then Yellow, then Red

Here’s the “Yellow” category.

This is the Red group.

The results were… informative. I thought I would be more upset. But that’s the therapy working, I did not immediately go to self-judgement. I wanted to know what I was eating and how it was effecting my body. I thought I wasn’t eating a ton of vegetables, now I really knew. I thought I was eating what I would consider “healthy” options but applying the calorie-density idea I could see the logic in eating fewer calorie-dense foods. I started learning how to appease my desire to eat a of heap of something, actually be full, and still work toward my weight loss goals. I still eat cake. I still have cocktails. But I plan for them. And don’t have them as mindlessly.

There are daily prompts with Noom; short articles and to-do’s. Today they revisited a previous one talking about how your New Normal has changed. it’s what inspired me to write this entry. Double whammy of sharing my experience and getting to write out my thoughts on the prompt. Here we go!

What new eating habits have you honed?

-Unplanned meals have become more thoughtful, I can focus on food-as-fuel on those occasions where I let planning slip instead of jumping on fast food. I also feel less guilt about enjoying foods I have long considered “junk”. I can enjoy a smaller amount since I’m not also trying to eat my guilt.

What new activity patterns have you developed?

-I started taking ballet classes! It’s so hard but feels so good. I was really struggling with finding exercise that fits my family’s schedules and that I actually enjoy. It feels like coming home in a way, I danced from age 3 all the way up through college. I missed it. Now, when I struggle I have a strong desire to get stronger and more graceful. Not just burn calories or prevent health issues. I actually like dancing. So I want to do it more. The health benefits come second.

How have you established positive triggers?

-I talked to my husband about what I need to be successful in making healthy changes; the biggest thing I asked for was for him to be supportive and he’s really stepped up. Prodding me to keep things up when I am feeling like dropping, remarking on how happy I am when I come home from dance class.

How have you changed your mindset?

-Part of why I want to lose weight is to work toward a breast reduction. Getting more active is showing me that part of my discomfort with my body is disuse. The largeness of my bust is one piece of a total puzzle. I feel less tied to surgery as an end-goal. I want so very much to feel better in my body. I want to lose weight but I realized I’ve started feeling changes in my body and am almost surprised at changing in size. I’ve been so tied to that number on the scale going down I divorced it in my mind from feeling the changes in my body. Now I am chasing those good feelings more and running from bad feelings less.

What obstacles have you made obsolete?

-I don’t know about this one. I feel like I am still in very early days. I have a large number in mind as my goal. Noom reinforces a lot of what I have been working on in therapy. That reinforcement makes me slow down a bit and appreciate the work I have been putting in for the last few years and not just focusing on the last couple of months. Sustainable change IS possible. I don’t think I believed that before.

How will your life look different, feel different? identify 3 feelings you want to be a part of your new normal. What behaviors will help you get there?

I want to feel… strong, nimble, responsive. Behavior: keep up with physical movement

I want to feel… physically confident. Behavior: Challenge yourself to try new types of physical activity!

I want to feel… cheating on this one I want to NOT feel winded after a flight of stairs or keeping up with friends walking. How can I phrase that in the positive instead of the negative? Behavior: Same as the above really. Feeling a post-dance class high, of course!

Woo! A lot of writing for today. I hope some of you, any of you (IS there anyone reading these?), find what you are looking for. If you are interested in hearing more about any of this or have any questions, reach out.

Ok! Time for a walk to get some more steps in. And to all… a good night.

I’ve been working on healthy changes. Pt. 1

Hello friends. In my sporadic contributions to this blog I do not think I have talked about my relationship with weight, food and body image. I did scroll back through entries but they really aren’t about that. If you follow me on other social media you may have seen oblique references to health management, but dang, it’s hard to put that information out there, to be vulnerable and let it all hang out. I’m going to share a bit today. Maybe again in the future. We’ll see.

I have felt fat pretty much all of my life. It took my therapist probing me repeatedly with the question, “When did you begin gaining the weight?”, to realize that what I felt and what is real have not been the same.

I wasn’t a fat child. I wasn’t a fat pre-teen. Not when I look back on pictures. Looking at old me I don’t see a fat kid. But I was one. I was on the inside. I felt it. Society sends all sorts of messages to kids about what is good, what is bad, what is attractive or desirable… but the real messages are nailed in at home.

Parents teach us how to approach food. I grew up in a family that encouraged you to clean your plate. That vegetables are “good” and cookies are “junk”. That grownups eat different things than kids (how often do you remember your parents begging for mac and cheese in the blue box?) My mom’s relationship with food was complicated, my grandma’s relationship with food was complicated. And now mine is. But I’m the first one who’d gotten help for it.

Years of dieting, family messaging, praise for weight loss and discouragement for bared bellies armed me with a lot of tools. Not great tools. Just a lot of them. Eventually, every food seemed to fall in the “bad” category. Every exercise took on the pall of doom. There didn’t seem to be any good decisions to make and I was miserable in my body. (Truth: still not happy in my body, but coming up, getting better.) I went to my doctor to ask about medical weight loss management.

There was a giant packet with lots of questionnaires, charts, food diaries to fill in and pages on which to pour my heart out. One night, after finishing the, “Tell us why you think medically managed weight loss is right for you” essay I said to M, “I feel like I’ve just written an essay on why I’m fat…” it was sobering.

I was hopeful but also full of anxiety. I was afraid of being judged. Feeling like a failure. I was so desperate to make a change and make it stick and make it happen NOW. The first several doctor appointments felt like dating, getting to know my history and who I am and what might be right for me. One of the people I needed to meet with in this time period was a food psychologist. I squawked at the suggestion. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with how I ate (other than everything) and I didn’t think a therapist was going to drop any knowledge on me about my body (who’s the pro on that one?) I’ve been seeing my therapist for over 2 years now. I haven’t seen the other doctors since the first six months.

It’s been slow and awkward getting to know my therapist and building those therapy muscles. Going through my whole diet history, my family relationships, my family medical history, my life changes… it’s a LOT! In 1-hour chunks. Every two weeks. It was a couple of months before Laura (my therapist) told me directly, “Yes, I diagnosed you as having an unspecified eating disorder.” I cried. People with eating disorders aren’t fat (said my society-influenced brain). Everyone thinks this way about what they eat (wrong, nope, incorrect). What the hell and I supposed to think? Nothing so cut and dry, young grasshopper.

Why tell you all this? Well, I sat down to write about some healthy changes I’ve been working on in the past couple of months. I started using Noom, for instance, and wanted to put something out there to talk about my experience with that program so far. But telling you about the last two and a half months feels empty without also letting you know about the last couple of years. There is nothing fast, easy or magical about making these changes. What there IS though… there is pleasure. There is enjoyment. There is progress and hope and energy. There is a change in focus.

Next time I’ll talk about the actual program. But here, here it was important to me to share the beginning. Not the beginning of a diet or some app or something that’s guaranteed to blah blah blah. The beginning is messy and hard and slow. And worth going through.

Streams of consciousness, about my mama

I spent a little time updating my About section today and though I tried to keep it focused on the theme of this site, on sewing and working with others, I kept talking about my mom. I can hardly think of sewing without becoming nostalgic. It all comes back to my mom, to wanting to know all the things she knows, do all the things she knows how to do. Every object she touched, cared for or made was better for it. I remember thinking that she knew everything, in the best way. I wanted to be able to do that, too. She made being smart, knowledgeable and fastidious the bar by which I set my life goals. Learn to do something new, learn it well, build on it. She taught me to sew on the same machine she’d made my baby clothes on.

A few years ago I found a Kenmore Zig-Zagger of my own. It just felt like the right machine. I told her I was interested in finding a Singer Featherweight and after she and my stepdad found one at auction, she wanted one of her own. Now we both have Kenmores and both have featherweights and spend 70% of our calls talking about our current projects in progress.

I visited home for a few days last month over my birthday and we began a collaborative project; she’s been picking up hand-embroidery and I asked if she would be willing to do something for me. I thread traced out the shirt front piece of my favorite shirt pattern. We found images online to start creating the motifs and she gave me guidance on what would work and what wouldn’t. She walked me through the transfer process and making sure the embroidery would sit in the right place on the body. I love the finished shirt so much! Even in the planning stages I knew this would be an heirloom and started thinking about what I would do if/when I no longer want to wear the shirt. I want to preserve this object that we both handled so much, that bears our labor of love.

She’s precious and I love her and I am so grateful she’s my mama.

Me-Made May 2019, my pledge and plan

Over on So, Zo… Zoe’s shared out her Me-Made May pledge. I don’t usually write down my commitment to #MeMadeMay, I wear me-made clothing every day. It’s my normal. It’s gotten to the point that those around me either expect or cannot tell that I am wearing “homemade” clothing. Occasionally I have shared snippets about the way sewing machines work, specific garment constructions or finishes, industrial textiles and finally, textiles analysis. This year, I want that to be my focus.

I, Sarah Jane, sign up as a participant of Me-Made-May 2019. I endeavour to share insights and peeks behind the home sewing and textiles curtain 3x/week and continue wearing my robust memade wardrobe during May 2019.
It is my great joy to share learning with others, empower them to believe in their creative and imaginative power. Sewing is magic but not a mystery!

Come see me on Instagram as May approaches and rolls along. I’ll share behind-the-seams excitement throughout the month.

Making a mala, jasper, lava and citrine with a cotton tassle, also made by me.

Changing in place

Chag Sameach! We are halfway into Hanukkah this year and so much has happened lately that I needed to put it down on paper. You know what I mean.

First, we’re not moving! I’ve been craving a move for a long while and felt really ready to move to a new house at the end of our lease this year. We talked about it as a family and decided to move. We even started talking about possibly buying a house. For years I’ve lobbied against us owning a house, I don’t want the responsibility for all that can go wrong. But I started thinking about our golden years and having no equity…

I began to obsessively scroll Zillow, calculating mortgages and savings rates and what we could safely and responsibly manage. I favorited homes and even attended an open house. I made an appointment to learn about our options for a mortgage through our credit union. I am a deep diver, I soak up information like a thirsty sponge and then I am able to finally see the full picture and feel confident about my decision making.

Christmas is coming and we are traveling East to be with my family. We’ll take J to NYC and eat bagels, see art, the big tree and all the decorated windows. We are mostly covered for gifts for J but we would both like to give her an experience, too. Mike thought maybe other travel together.

Then our friends in Hawaii put out a call for help on their house building project. Could we do it? What about timing? Cost? How long could we go? It wouldn’t be a good trip to bring J on. How does it line up with my teaching schedule and Mike’s…

Mike’s job. Mike has begun the process of transitioning out of his role at his current company. We don’t know what he is doing next but he can’t keep doing what he’s been doing.

I was spinning. I was making inquiries on all sorts of possibilities, 3 different trips, Mike’s change in income, moving. I couldn’t see it working. I can’t see it working. One night after J was in bed I laid it all out for Mike, how much I want this job change to go well, for us to be able to roll with the changes but that we can’t do all the things at the same time.

So we are not moving.

Olive paw

I don’t think I could have handled the conversation even a month ago. My depression has been slowly creeping into all aspects of my life. So slow and insidious that I did not realize it was really happening. I wrote it off as stress, too many things going on, work stress, busyness. For months. I have been losing interest in… everything. I’ve not been sewing or interested in making things. Whatever motivation I had was used up in getting life done; groceries, bills, work, sleep, showering.

A couple of weeks ago I visited my doctor and we decided to makes some changes to my meds. I hoped only to blunt the worst of the thoughts, I didn’t see anything more than that as even possible; I could not be happier to be wrong. A couple of weeks in, the changes are coming and I have some kind of clarity again. Life isn’t magically better but I don’t see us stuck in a rut of never-ending mediocrity. Where nothing is ever as good as it used to be. I can see now how far I was sliding.

The first signs of better days came in the form of a beautiful sunrise on the way to the bus stop and a days-long obsession with pocket forms. Being able to see beauty, beauty that brings me to a stand-still, well… it’s been an awful long time.

Sewing projects have felt like obligations. For the first time in months I want to make something for the pleasure of the details. I missed this.

So we’re not moving but we are changing. And staying in the same place.

What saves us, savings and spending

I wrote this in the midst of chaotic emotions as a means to cope. I am grateful that I did not publish it before. I've edited some of the harshness away, I don't feel those feelings anymore. We have absorbed the experience and in some ways it's made our communication better, clearer, less emotional. It's so easy to be emotional about money and responsibility for me. I do want to share the experience though. Financial health is a great elephant in the room for our culture. Despite all the self-help books, course and guidance, we don't speak easily about our finances, how we manage them and what happens when things go wrong. 

From February:

Today my family returned from a weekend away where we enjoyed an escape from the Superbowl hubub, stayed in a fancy hotel and vacationed in our own Midwestern backyard. What better way to bask in our homecoming than dig into some financial housekeeping? 

A bill collector called while we were away, saying we were overdue on a store-based credit card. I was indignant, I handle our finances with a scrupulous eye, catalogue each bill and payment meticulously, keep us paid up and ahead of our needs. The collector was calling about a card in my husband’s name so I got all of the info, logged in and started digging. I was shocked. I learned that not only have we NOT been paying the debt down, it skyrocketed in October when the promotional period expired. The initial debt was made on an limited term offer. 

I had NO IDEA we owed so much. The current balance is higher than the total purchases ever made on the card. When the promo period ended the total interest was added onto the principal and the payments I had been making were no longer even covering the interest. Digging through months of statements I was fuming, ready to call the company and rail at them to cut the interest, remove charges, file for fraud. As I dug deeper though it became clear...the fault was ours. My husband’s actually. He had not paid attention to the terms or that they were ending. He wasn't the one paying the bill. I was mortified, embarrassed that this has happened despite my close monitoring. I was embarrassed I couldn’t talk my way out. I was horrified that we owed nearly twice as much on this card as I believed we did.

I should insert here that shortly into our marriage my husband and I had a come-to-the-river conversation about finances; we would never dig out of debt if I did not take over our finances. And so I did. I hate the feeling of responsibility for our total family, the feeling of holding purse strings, of “allowing” each of us to spend or not spend money. We do not see eye to eye on all financial things but that’s exactly the problem that led us here; I am goals-driven with finances, my husband is comfort-driven. The end goal is the same, a happy and comfortable life, the means of getting there are different.  

My husband had to attend a work event when we got home and I discovered the extent of this debt alone. I did not know how I would address it when he came home but knew it could not wait. I couldn't hide my distress and just moments after he walked in the door it all came pouring out. I told him how angry I was; angry that I was on the hook for thousands of dollars, angry that so much of the debt came from simple lack of awareness, that my faith in his honesty, in his investment in our financial health had been severely shaken.  

I cried and shook when I told him. I told him about my anger, my embarrasment, my fear. I did not apologize. I did not tell him it was going to be ok. He was embarrassed and apologetic and made no excuses. I don’t have a neat, tidy, happy ending to share.

We’d been making so many plans to spend money; travel, replacing and upgrading things in need. We replaced our cars and phones this year. We had plans to travel to with friends in April and I told my husband that we can’t go. I wrote our friends and made our apologies and hoped painfully they’d not made any investment in the trip yet. 

I know we will get through it, that this won’t change our ability to get to work, feed ourselves or pay critical bills but it hurts. I want so badly to believe that we’ll wake up tomorrow feeling as confident in each other as before this came to light. But it is going to take time.  

**Update, June 2018**

Now, several months later the pain of discovery and my fears have abated. We have healthier, more frequent conversations about money. I am the one doing the math and sending payments but I no longer feel so much like I'm holding the purse strings. We have adjusted plans. We talk in more detail and frequency about where our money is going. It's still a work in progress. But we are working on it together.