Some things. unrelated in nature.


First, the announcement of a small victory. I burned two pounds this week! I am lucky to have access to one of those doctor-style scales at work. I confess to stepping onto the scale at the gym and being dismayed by the inaccuracy of its readout. The scale at work can show me cleanly and clearly measurements as small as a quarter pound. I am a believer of using the same scale consistently.

Second, I have a lust for one of these chairs. They come in a few different styles but, ultimately, I want a ball chair. I have noticed that my circulation is very affected by sitting in my office chair all day long. I have a life-long (bad?) habit of sitting with my legs folded beneath me. You may recall I am a mere 4'11"... my feet do not ordinarily touch the floor in most chairs. So, I can sit with my feet tucked or propped and reach all the things on my desk appropriately, or, I can lower my chair so that my feet rest comfortably on the floor and feel like a child trying to reach across my desk. My hope is that with a chair like this one, I will improve my circulation, engage my muscles more actively and also sit at a workable height at my desk. Have you tried one? Wanna tell me all about it???

Finding inspiration.


This morning when I went looking for a little inspirational fit and healthy blah blah blah I found this image. Which made me think of Charlie. Charlie the Unicorn. Don't know it? Aw, dang. You need to know about it.


I learned about Charlie many years ago and he has stayed with me. So, Shun the Non-Believers! But don't let anyone fool you into following them into Candy Mountain. It just ends in pain and disappointment. I read a lot of motivational/inspirational quotes and posters about how sweating makes you hardcore, pain is something to overcome, push yourself! Go harder! Faster! Whatever. Here's my favorite encouragement:

It's simple. It is not demeaning. It is not a chastisement hidden within an encouragement. I think it at least once every time I go to yoga, the gym or for a run. I look for posters and such that make me feel like I can keep going, like I can do it, like there is something worth working toward in the near term and also the short.

And lastly, because I have long-held desire to figure out how to wear secret yoga pants (yoga pants that look like fashion pants or trousers) to work, I would like to share this with you, too.

Is there anything you wish people talked about from their weight loss journey?

In future posts I plan to cover things I wish other folks wrote about:
  • how to buy clothing that will help you through your transitional weights and sizes
  • what the little victories are and how to find your own
  • how much freakin' work it is to plan and execute a successful weight loss plan
  • navigating the weight loss conversation with friends, family, co-workers
  •  what happens when you DO lose weight
    • changes in energy (fact or crap?)
    • what happens to your skin
    • the mysteries of cellulite
 Are there other things you want to hear about? 

I joined a gym.



I also downloaded MyFitnessPal. Spending the last few days chronicling my every calorie and rep has been... revealing. My determination to get back to a manageable, healthy-feeling body is sharply focused. Here are a few shots of my journey so far.

Left to right: May 2010 BSB @225lbs (Before South Beach), Fall 2011 Height of my Success@174lbs, May 2013 Current State of Affairs @209lbs

Here's the current plan: 
  • Weekdays 
    • early morning workout 30-60min mixing cardio and strength training
    • record my workout content and rotate muscle group focus
    • record calorie intake and stay under my daily calorie goal
  • Weekends
    • days off of daily workouts
    • 1 yoga or other class
    • prepare for the week (menu prep, grocery/foods prep)
    • keep calorie counts consistent with workout days (about 1550)
      • this may get tweaked but my no-exercise calorie goal of 1200 just makes me hungry all the time and I know that will only lead to binging which defeats the purpose altogether
And that's kind of it for the moment. I'll be on the lookout for great salad combos since I get a lot of eating satisfaction from eating them without a huge whomp to my daily totals. Some days will be more successful than others. I plan to reward myself with clothing and music. Days that I go over or fall off the wagon are just that: days.

I've also made the move to rework my closet and dresser contents. For awhile now I've been slowly migrating my these-don't-fit-right-now items to the corner of my closet. I think it's good to have them out of the daily rotation but I know it will be more exciting to pull them out of their cleanly packed bins and feel the victory of wearing things I love and will fit again.

I got two large bins that now hold everything that falls into the SMALLER category. Under the tape labels of the second bin are a second set of labels that say BIGGER. I'm excited to migrate clothes out of the SMALLER bin and rotate clothes into the BIGGER bin. And rip those SMALLER labels off.

I won't make the mistake I did previously of getting rid of everything. I have been between a rock and a hard place as I have gained weight: I have little that fits and that I enjoy wearing and yet I do not want to buy things that will fit my body now. I don't want to buy things that have such large numbers on the tags. So no, I won't purge my whole wardrobe this time around. I will hold it as a reminder.  Just as the presence of too-small clothing in my closet drives me to feel ashamed, the presence of clothing that is too big will make me feel victorious.

I look forward to writing about the little victories and the big.

Well that took awhile...

Here we are, approaching Memorial Day weekend and I've had it. I am tired of feeling fat, holding my breath to tie my shoes, feeling my belly push my breasts up and make normal tops and necklines seem like after-hours-only clothes. I am tired of being winded walking up the stairs at work every morning. I am tired of my calves burning while I try to keep up with friends while simply walking through the skyway. I am done.

I am 4'11" tall. About 3 years ago I started on the South Beach diet and lost 51 pounds. I was in grad school, living in Philadelphia and working full time. I had a full, busy life and I still made those changes. I got down to 174 pounds and cried in relief. I was still very overweight for someone my height.

In my transition to living in Minnesota I lost my progress. The things that had worked weren't working anymore:
  • I didn't love my yoga classes anymore- In Philly I had been going 2-3 times a week and felt utter joy and resonating calm and determination. I felt motivated to keep coming back. I loved all of the teachers. In MN I struggled to find a studio that gave me those feelings. I still haven't and I have only recently come to realize I may need to find a new exercise-drug.
  • I was a dating maniac and my diet became less stable. 
  • The winters here are long and dark and cold. I just didn't want to do anything. 
  • I have struggled to make a new circle of friends. Having long-held, close ties with a large group in Philly meant always being able to fall into the net of finding a buddy and having a true choice about going solo for various activities. 
I stopped feeling motivated. I blamed my diet. I went to yoga less. I tried running (which I LOVE but is very hard to get going seriously in the winter!) I tried going gluten free (gained 20 pounds!). Slowly, all of my progress slipped off as I stopped holding onto it. I made poor food choices. I wasn't exercising.

So. Here I am. Again. Just about 10 pounds lighter than when I first embarked on my big weight loss journey. I am not fucking around. I am determined. I want to be able to run and jump and play. I want to be able to buy pants in a traditional size run.

I will post separately on my plans to shed the pounds. There are plans, for sure. And I am gonna kick this chubby machine into action. Checking in here will remind me to revel in the small victories as well as the bigger ones.

More experimentation.

This week marks a new round of trials. I had my test day for adding corn back into my diet early this week and tomorrow I try wheat! I have plans, major plans, for wheat day. Oven-fried chicken and mac-n-cheese with whole wheat noodles and oodles of delicious goat and sheep cheese.

I am slightly hesitant about embarking on this next trial given that I have broken out in a couple of spots with itchy bumps (low back and, ugh, in a body roll). I confess I feel ashamed of things like this, embarrassed, since I associate the outbreaks with a lack of control and also a feeling of sloth and fatness.

So what do I do? Keep trucking. Treat and cleanse and rest and drink water. And plot. Plotting exercise. And food. And health. I would like a bottom like this.

I found this fun Brazillian Butt Workout set on Pinterest. Last night I made my first foray into the world of round bottom shaping... and it was good. I feel it more in my quads today than my butt. I'll still take it. More tomorrow.

Even better than the butt will be the heart. Hopefully like the one below. All shiny and happy and surrounded by cosmic energy... Ok, maybe not cosmic energy, but definitely kid-chasing, trail hiking, faster running energy.

On the docket this weekend: wheat experiment. Purchase running bra and seek out advice on leg compression sleeves to get my running progress on track. Oh yeah. 

I crave the vintage.

I grew up surrounded by antiques, knick knacks and art. My family is full of artists and creatives, passionate, visual people. My mother has passed through many phases of collecting fervor over the year (pink flamingos, Billy Bob Thornton, jewelry, jewelry, jewelry...!) and frequently changed the overtones of her wardrobe to match. My uncle is a paragon of fashion and creative clothing consumption. Regardless of what each gravitates toward at the moment they maintain one consistent, key quality- they dress for their bodies.

Adorable face, exhibit B
 Since my teens I have experimented with a wide array of looks but for the past decade or so I seem to yo-yo around late-40's to early-60's fashion and looks. Partly, it's my face.  

Adorable face, exhibit A















The "vintage" or "retro" look works very well for me. Deep red lips, strong eye makeup and pearls. Spit curls, soft pink lips and button earrings. I adore cardigans, pencil skirts, circle skirts. Fortunately these things are fairly universal in how well they work on bodies. The things I really super bad have always wanted to wear are more a struggle. Swingy shirtwaist dresses, wiggle dresses, fitted woven tops are a rare addition to my wardrobe. Let's just say never store-bought. If I make it myself I can make it work.

So here's another goal, a dress that makes me feel like this looks on her: 


I pass by here on my way to or from work pretty much every day. And everyday I think, "I could do that." With short hair and a folding bike, of course!



Also, learning to run.

Never in my life have I had the yen to run. You know, other than the odd occurrence of running to catch a train/plain/automobile/thief/narrow window for a bathroom break. However, this past summer I was shoe-shopping with my dude and encouraged him to try on some barefoot-style sneakers. He is particularly fond of the color orange and when I found a pair in his size with orange accents I knew he'd at least give them a walk around the store. He slipped them on and it was like his whole body lit up. I thought they might be a hard sell, that he would argue against their light construction and thin soles. No. Love. Deep, instantaneous love. Naturally, it piqued my interest.

A few months later we were shoe-browsing again and I slipped into a lady pair of the same shoes my dude had snapped up previously. Oh my! Like ballet slippers but better for all the pokey-pointy prevention they provide. That is when the feeling struck. Prancing about in my new shoes, dancing up and down stairs I thought, "These might make it kind of fun to run..."

*shock face*

I didn't really know how the thought had happened. The more I thought about it the more attractive it was. I could take running shoes with me anywhere. I could run on vacation. It would make me fit, it would work different muscles than my other fitness pleasures (mostly dance and yoga). The biggest hurdle I saw in my path was that it was already deep into the fall and I live in Minnesota. Getting an itch to try running when you live in one of the coldest states in the US on approach to winter is not, well, practical.

My weird salvation came in the form of a friend making casual mention of the Metrodome hosting running nights on Tuesdays and Thursdays through the winter. For one dollar you can run around the concessions level in relative warmth and comfort. Excellent. Next, shoes. I picked up an inexpensive pair of Saucony runners from the nearby Marshall's. While I wholly believe in the idea that you should restrict running shoes to running alone, I do not believe that investing a heap of cash into a pair when I have no idea if this idea will stick. So now, armed with shoes I downloaded the Couch to 5k app for iPhone and set off for the Metrodome.

I admit that my first run was hardly a run. I walked the majority of the time. I stopped often to stretch. A lot. When I first downloaded the app I thought, "Great! This sounds super doable," and that my goal would be as the program laid it out, a 5k. Now, however, I see that my first goal is to get up to the level that I can follow the first workout. My shins and calves were on fire. I kept tugging at my pants and wishing my breasts would stop flopping around. But, at the end of it, I felt, good. I was sore and ached from shoulder to foot but I felt like I had done something. I felt quietly energized. I wanted to be able to do better. It's been awhile since yoga made me feel like that. I miss it terribly. Tomorrow I go back to the Metrodome for another try.

The Elimination Diet

I started seeing my nutritionist with the goal of getting a handle on the crazy. I felt like I had lost sight of what made sense nutritionally. South beach made me see some foods as complete junk and others as only allowed in moderation. Some of these foods included bananas, white rice, potatoes, carrots. Making sure these things weren't in my diet became second nature. I didn't miss most of them. When the diet wasn't working so well for me I felt like I was cheating by having bananas and the feeling of the forbidden drove me to overindulge. No bananas? Wellllll, it's only once in a while, I can have this smoothie just this once... So now, instead of eating the damn banana I was eating everything else that went into that smoothie, too.

As I moved away from those ideas I had less and less understanding of what I was putting into my body. I felt like it was a "bad day" when I had had a smoothie and a chai and whole grain toast from the cafeteria at work.

Back to the first appointments with the nutritionist. We talked about all sorts of things: flipping my days to have the heaviest meal in the morning, bringing all the veggies and fruits back into the light, my learnings from regulating my blood sugar. She suggested trying an elimination diet.

What is an elimination diet, you ask? In this particular version I am eliminating 4 major categories of foods: corn (and all its derivatives), wheat, cow's milk dairy and nightshade vegetables (white potatoes, tomatoes, peppers and eggplant). I am starting by taking all 4 categories out for 10 days then will add each back in for a trial day, followed by a few days of basic elimination to note reactions. The whole process takes a little less than a month. I am currently a week in.

So far I think I'm doing ok. I find that I am sleeping much better. I also find that I am eating a lot more fruit and have had juice a couple of times, which still feels like a no-no. I know I get hooked on something that makes me feel like I've found a loop-hole (remember the gluten-free cookie debacle???) and I know I have to keep those things in check.

I've also taken to sharing what I am doing with those around me. Although I feel a bit like a freak of nature for telling them I have also found that the folks I work with and socialize with to be very supportive. And when I tell them what I am doing and why I feel supported, they ask questions and help me by not offering treats they might usually have done. It makes a world of difference.

I'm excited to see what more the week will bring. Soon I will share a post of one of my recent culinary explorations! Apricot-coconut energy bars!

The Backstory

As you will learn in the coming days, weeks and months I have struggled with my weight for years. I come from stocky stock but I do not believe that it should be my destiny. I want to be healthy. And comfortable. And I am going to do it.

Two years ago I set out to conquer my bulge with the South Beach Diet. I was a great believer and set to making my lifestyle, workable, sustainable and enjoyable. I read the books. I created a weekly menu. I decided to measure my weight loss in clothing rather than the scale.

When my pants began to sag I was nervously excited. Nearly a year into the plan I walked into a dressing room at my favorite outlet store and stood crying over the array of things I had brought in which FIT. I had started the South Beach diet weighing nearly 225lbs and wearing size 20 jeans. I am just shy of 5' tall. That day, in the dressing room, I had brought in a stack of size Medium shirts, sweaters and other things. I was overwhelmed by how far I had come. I met with my doctor for my annual physical that year and she teared up at how my hard work was paying off; that my choice to make a change with hard work and a healthy diet had been working so well. I weighed 174lbs and fit into size 12 jeans.

Then something changed. I plateaued. I began to tweak my diet, trying to shore up my rules, increasing my fiber, reducing alcohol intake. The pounds I worked so hard to lose began to creep back on. After a couple of months without change I decided to try going gluten free. I gained nearly 20lbs during the time I tried to live the gluten free life. I made some big mistakes. Like cookies. A gluten free cookie is still a cookie. I wasn't eating them before, I shouldn't have allowed myself such laxity when I shifted my diet.

For months I tinkered. I kept the majority of my rules but I was slipping. I wasn't motivated. I was gaining weight. I felt helpless and so I told myself that as long as I stayed the size I was (back to a 14 at the time) I wouldn't worry. I had still made progress. When my pants kept getting tighter and I began to avoid the things I loved (short shorts, yoga nearly 3 times a week, some of my favorite clothes) I knew I needed help.

I sought out a nutritionist and it took nearly 2 months to get an intake appointment. Seeing her that first time and having to give her my whole history and relationship with food and my body... telling her about my family history and my fears about aging and what my weight could mean... I felt like I was laying my soul bare. But I also felt like she was listening. That I wasn't just a number and that this was the beginning of making a change. Again.

I like seeing her. The bared soul feeling has subsided and been replaced by hope. And determination. We've been talking about trying an elimination diet and this week I've embarked on this strange challenge. I look forward to sharing my progress and the effects. All the good and all the bad.

If you read any of this and it is helpful to you in any way, I am thrilled. If you have been here and made it to the other side let me know. I will do my best to be brutally honest with myself here and in the real world, too. Time to make my old self new.