Changing in place

Consumables of life.

Chag Sameach! We are halfway into Hanukkah this year and so much has happened lately that I needed to put it down on paper. You know what I mean.

First, we’re not moving! I’ve been craving a move for a long while and felt really ready to move to a new house at the end of our lease this year. We talked about it as a family and decided to move. We even started talking about possibly buying a house. For years I’ve lobbied against us owning a house, I don’t want the responsibility for all that can go wrong. But I started thinking about our golden years and having no equity…

I began to obsessively scroll Zillow, calculating mortgages and savings rates and what we could safely and responsibly manage. I favorited homes and even attended an open house. I made an appointment to learn about our options for a mortgage through our credit union. I am a deep diver, I soak up information like a thirsty sponge and then I am able to finally see the full picture and feel confident about my decision making.

Christmas is coming and we are traveling East to be with my family. We’ll take J to NYC and eat bagels, see art, the big tree and all the decorated windows. We are mostly covered for gifts for J but we would both like to give her an experience, too. Mike thought maybe other travel together.

Then our friends in Hawaii put out a call for help on their house building project. Could we do it? What about timing? Cost? How long could we go? It wouldn’t be a good trip to bring J on. How does it line up with my teaching schedule and Mike’s…

Mike’s job. Mike has begun the process of transitioning out of his role at his current company. We don’t know what he is doing next but he can’t keep doing what he’s been doing.

I was spinning. I was making inquiries on all sorts of possibilities, 3 different trips, Mike’s change in income, moving. I couldn’t see it working. I can’t see it working. One night after J was in bed I laid it all out for Mike, how much I want this job change to go well, for us to be able to roll with the changes but that we can’t do all the things at the same time.

So we are not moving.

Olive paw

I don’t think I could have handled the conversation even a month ago. My depression has been slowly creeping into all aspects of my life. So slow and insidious that I did not realize it was really happening. I wrote it off as stress, too many things going on, work stress, busyness. For months. I have been losing interest in… everything. I’ve not been sewing or interested in making things. Whatever motivation I had was used up in getting life done; groceries, bills, work, sleep, showering.

A couple of weeks ago I visited my doctor and we decided to makes some changes to my meds. I hoped only to blunt the worst of the thoughts, I didn’t see anything more than that as even possible; I could not be happier to be wrong. A couple of weeks in, the changes are coming and I have some kind of clarity again. Life isn’t magically better but I don’t see us stuck in a rut of never-ending mediocrity. Where nothing is ever as good as it used to be. I can see now how far I was sliding.

The first signs of better days came in the form of a beautiful sunrise on the way to the bus stop and a days-long obsession with pocket forms. Being able to see beauty, beauty that brings me to a stand-still, well… it’s been an awful long time.

Sewing projects have felt like obligations. For the first time in months I want to make something for the pleasure of the details. I missed this.

So we’re not moving but we are changing. And staying in the same place.